A client recently confided — eyes cast down, shoulders slumped — “If I start, I can’t stop. If I eat a spoonful of ice cream I eat the whole pint. If I eat a cookie, I eat the entire box. I have no willpower and I’m so ashamed.”
Defeat. Shame. Guilt. Self-loathing.
But here’s the thing: It has nothing to do with willpower.
It has everything to do with the associations and habits created in childhood. It is learned behavior.
It’s not about rules. It’s not about ability. It’s about unlearning the behavior! And, that’s good news, because once you make the shift, the shame and guilt vanishes.
It’s not about rules. It’s not about ability. It’s about unlearning the behavior! And, that’s good news, because once you make the shift, the shame and guilt vanishes.
Here’s an example: When I was a child every time I hurt myself or was sad a well-meaning parent offered a distraction. “Don’t cry, honey. Here, have a piece of chocolate.” By the time I was a freshman in high school every time I felt sad or hurt I immediately turned to chocolate, or ice cream, or cake, or my personal favorite, cookies.
And, even if I said, “Okay, I’ll only have one,” as you may know from my last blog post, one cookie turned into two, two turned into three, and well, at that point, wtf, I might as well each the rest. If I ate the rest, my brain told me, they’d be gone, and then I could stop thinking about them. Sigh. Can you relate?
Fast-forward: It didn’t matter how many times I kicked my sugar addiction, it only lasted a short amount of time — a week, a month, maybe even a few. But then, something would happen — an argument with a boyfriend, a hard day at work, disappointing news — and out came the cookies. All of them.
Defeat. Shame. Guilt. Self-loathing. Yep, I know them well.
So, you might be wondering, “Well, tell me already, what can I do about food shame, guilt and remorse?”
Let Go of Food Shame, Guilt and Remorse in 3 Steps
Letting Go, Step 1: Uncover the triggers — they can be emotions, people, situations, events — and create new habits around them. A trigger is anything that prompts unwanted eating behavior!
Here’s a universal trigger: Going to the movies and “needing” popcorn. Or, how about a stressful conversation? Feeling rewarded? A holiday? Going to your mother’s house? Feeling criticized? Allowing yourself to get too hungry? Driving? Going to a bar? Hanging with a group of friends with horrible habits? We ALL have many, many triggers. Let me count the ways!
Our focus, though, is not to break these ingrained habits. We are creating brand, spanking new habits. It’s so much easier (and optimistic!) to create new habits. After all, you succeed where you put your attention. Focus on new, you’ll create new. Focus on old, you’ll stay exactly where you are.
After all, you succeed where you put your attention. Focus on new, you’ll create new. Focus on old, you’ll stay exactly where you are.
Letting Go, Step 3: Create your plan — I’ll let you in one more important piece of this puzzle: You have to know what your new habits will be. If you try to divert yourself on the fly, it’s not going to work long-term. Give yourself a menu of no more than 3 things.
I’d love to learn how this resonates with you – leave a comment with your insights, personal experiences or any key takeaways. I can’t wait to continue our conversation.
P.S. Curious about my last blog post, Confession: I’ve Been Eating Cookies Every Day? You can read it Here.
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Uncovering the triggers is huge! While my husband is on a long retreat, I have elected to go deeper into my yoga practice and guess what? Food “issues” are surfacing. Thanks for a timely post.
So happy this served you, Andrea. Love that you go deeper into your yoga practice while your hubby is away — your own personal retreat!
Fortunately I’ve never indulged in emotional eating but I admit I have a thing about onion and cheese flavored chips which I put down to my Pitta Dosh tastes. I had to make certain changes to my diet a few years ago for health reasons and while I guess that might have been tragic for some, it helped me find alternative foods that are equally delicious and keep me healthy.
Thank you for the insightful post, Melissa.
Thank you for commenting, Vatsala. I’ve been playing with the Ayurvedic approach to food and found it so helpful during the winter. How wonderful that the changes you made were positive. What a great outlook!
Making selections in advance about what you’ll choose from is a great tip!
Yes! It really helps quell anxiety about “what will they have that I can eat” and it helps prevent overeating, in general. Thanks for your thoughtful comment, Tara.
Great article Melissa. Here’s another new habit: When we go grocery shopping, we can buy fruits, vegetables, nuts and seeds to snack on. We can leave the junk food in the supermarket.
When junk isn’t in the home there is none to eat. Then, as we start to feel better, maybe we won’t want the junk as much when we’re out of the house. It’s worked for me, and now that my husband does the grocery shopping, I don’t even want the junk food, because I feel so much better without it. (I still have a couple of squares of dark chocolate sometimes though.)
Great strategy, Genevieve. Leave the junk food at the supermarket. For people who find the pull very strong, take a deep breath, and ask, “WHY am I putting this in my cart?” Getting clear — habit, sabotage, reward, stress, loneliness, etc — can be very powerful. Thank you for sharing your experience!
I love this and love how you connect the dots to childhood upbringing and what to do about it
Those responses and habits that developed in childhood are so part of our fabric that we don’t “see” them. Amazing, right? Thank you for your thoughtful comment.
Uncovering the triggers is powerful. Thank you.
Right now I have my mother visiting . This means food available at every moment. It’s quite hard to resist as such am struggling with weight increase had a haha. But know where it comes from really helps us take action.
Oh, Leila, I can so relate! Yes, having a parent in the house can make it difficult to stay the course. One, because of the foods they might enjoy that don’t serve you and are easily accessible and secondly, because of the powerful emotions that get triggered. Creating a “mom” plan will be helpful. For instance, I put all my mom’s snacks in a covered bin, with a label that says, “Mom’s” and place it out of plain sight. Hang in there!
I think knowing the triggers is the most important step to take. It certainly helped me.
I agree, Barbara. I’m so glad to hear that it’s helped you too. Thank you for your affirming comment!
I agree on how much it can go back to childhood or bad habits we created for ourselves. I see how many people can acknowledge that but still not make that change or be willing to do so. I’ve been caught in the path of unhealthy eating and over eating. Not very often as I am health conscious, but it happens. When I was younger I didn’t eat well or healthy. I fell into “society.” At times I ate what was easy and gained a sweet tooth from growing up. It wasn’t all bad but it wasn’t healthy. Sometimes I wish I knew then what I know now. I’ve changed my way of eating over the years and I am very happy for that conscious choice. That being said I noticed last year while going through some stress I indulged in food and drink more that I had been. It’s not that I didn’t have a good time while doing it but it got to me health wise more than I would have expected. This year I made a decision to be better and it has worked out well. I think we can live in a society where we socialize around food and drink, but it doesn’t always have to be that way and there are better choices. Food is wonderful but don’t need to emotionally eat. It isn’t healthy. Thank you for this post.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience, Heather. You are so right, we often rely on food and drinks to quell our anxiety or our emotions that leave us feeling ungrounded. I’m so happy to hear that you’ve found a way that works for you. Brava!